It's-a me, Ezio!

Saturday, November 21, 2009
All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up.

Assassin's Creed 2 defines what a sequel should be.

Ubisoft, in spite of this, (or, more likely, because of it) has done it again. Assassin's Creed 2 does everything a sequel should do and remits most of the stuff a sequel shouldn't do.

Assassin's Creed had a so-so story and a solitary archetypal hero.
Assassin's Creed 2 has a fleshed-out, grab-you-by-the-walnuts, pretty-typical-but-done-damn-well-anyway so-so story accompanied by a likable, interesting, layered hero and a full cast of excellent supporting characters.

Assassin's Creed had some pretty chunky maps with a lot of secrets.
Assassin's Creed 2 has some fatter-than-Godzilla's ass maps with a lot of secrets that actually give you shit.

Assassin's Creed had a handful of ways to get information about and then complete an assassination.
Assassin's Creed 2 has so goddamn many of them it gives me liquid stool to even think about completing them all.
(Note: I am tremendously sorry for that disgusting, disturbing image.)
(Note #2: I will still complete them all. Such is my masochism.)

Assassin's Creed had some cool weapons and fighting. They were cool enough, in fact, that customizing them and adding to them at your own pace never really crossed the player's mind.
Assassin's Creed 2 lets you add to them and customize them anyway, as well as adding money, items, maps, corpse looting (!!!!) and numerous other avenues for a player to customize their experience.
(Note #3: I was tempted to use the word "sphincterload" in that section, but I decided that my ass joke quota had been reached. Perhaps you are thankful.)

Assassin's Creed was a great game, in spite of its shortcomings.
Assassin's Creed 2 is an incredible game, in spite of Assassin's Creed's shortcomings.

Even if you thought the first game was boring, repetitive, underwhelming or overhyped, you need to try Assassin's Creed 2. I would only advise caution if you, in fact, found the first game irresistible, in-friggin-credible, totally radical or super bad-ass, because if that's the case, Assassin's Creed 2 will probably make your heart and/or junk explode. You have been warned.