E3: Melech's Perspective

Saturday, June 6, 2009
E3 fever has gripped the gaming nation once again. As is written in sub-paragraph A of the Shit You Have to Write About Act of 1999, we are required to submit our perspective on the proceedings. Below you will find my contribution.

E3 has become less and less a games expo every year. The 3 no longer stands for the multiplicity of that oh so very common vowel, but for the 3 major players in this industry. Yes, I speak of the mighty Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft corporations. These guys run the damn show down there.

If it weren't for the fact that EVERYTHING is announced at E3, I couldn't give a damn about the show anymore. If I wanted to see a pissing match I'd head over to the local frat house. There is little for me in these forever bland press conferences except the games. They can take their sales numbers and umm. Do something awful with them.

That said, let's talk about some of those games. First up, Project Natal. Certainly the most interesting thing to come from Microsoft this year, Project Natal could change a lot of things. Right now it's all tactical misdirection, but if it can do what they say it can when it finally hits store shelves, and can function with current titles as well as those built with Natal in mind, I'll be impressed. If you think a cam with real-time motion capture is great, it's probably for you and you probably own an Eye toy. God help you in your delusions.

RUSE is looking great, all 45 seconds of footage i was able to find. Bastards. It's not a small game by any means AND it appeals to our (or at least my) evil nature. You'd expect it to have a little more coverage from E3.

DJ Hero looks sufficiently awful to keep me from holding down any food. No DJ was ever a hero, nor will one ever be, outside the realm of D-Grade action movie fare. I know of only three people with whom I am acquainted that would ever consider buying this game, an two of them are legally insane. Wait...... This just in. Somnambulant Gamer has learned that the special edition includes two turntables and a microphone.

Assassin's Creed II looks wonderful, if a little too over the top. While paling around Murder inc with Leo of Vinci certainly seems cool, I'm concerned that too much of this thing will make the game impossible to take seriously. I think as long as they stick to the established story, it'll be fine.

Mass Effect 2 was almost all rumor and no game, a hugely disappointing fact that I've yet to come to terms with.

Secret of Monkey Island Special Edition. God that feels good to say. Secret of Monk- oh yeah! We told you so. Hah!

I've got more ranting to do later, stay tuned for more of my impressions and those of your somnambulant masters.